God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Chicago sounds lovely.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic