My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
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Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me