You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
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They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Morning my dudes.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.