[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
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A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the