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Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks