I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
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I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
#catsoftwitter
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club