Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
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And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.