me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.