I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
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FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch