We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
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The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty