My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Penguins walking in 5x speed
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
jesus, what did this guy do
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now