Penguins walking in 5x speed
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Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”