me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
live, laugh, laundry.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH