Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
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Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Twitter remains undefeated
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.