[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
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I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“Why you watching this shit?”
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
What if all the cashiers are married?
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw