[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
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Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars