I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
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Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8