@chrisanna4real
@Ndeshi_M Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
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@Ndeshi_M 
@dinokitten “Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
@abbycohenwl DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
@Tmoney68 Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
@MollySneed [tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
@punmagnate “Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
@wickedimproper I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
@jctwritesstuff *watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
@MrsGoose69 My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
@UncleDuke1969 all that yoga finally paid off
