I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
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Me: Same.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!