I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

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Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.


“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”


*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!


Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.


[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH


“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.


*watching The Revenant*


Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.


My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.