I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
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*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…