I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
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It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
This meal prepping shit is easy
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Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD