Monday
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If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head