Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
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[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
need a new bf mines broken 😐
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
this is literally a CIA plant
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah