Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
You Might Also Like
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Overindulged this afternoon.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB