babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
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My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
next level snooze
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
guilty
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.