babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you