My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Bring back the McRib
This is hilarious….
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…