I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
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“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>