When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
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[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.