I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
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My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude