Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
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4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.