@skadel68

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

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@LoveNLunchmeat

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

@shawnhitch22

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

@KentWGraham

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

@MomOnFire

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

@jonnysun

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

@tattednwild

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

@goodgrief_rats

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

@edfoxcomedy

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

@Darlainky

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

@AlexKaan47

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me