I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
me before I type out affect or effect
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Lmaoo 😂
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”