My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
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I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.