Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
You Might Also Like
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-