There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
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she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?