There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
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[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Breaking news:
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*