Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
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We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager