Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
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I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
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Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?