Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
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I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
If I ignore life will it go away?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.