@dafloydsta [marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
@SaraESpivey I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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@dafloydsta 
@UncleDuke1969 “Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
@furbyburglar I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
@a_simpl_man My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
@Izianikapani “I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
@TheToddWilliams Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
@daemonic3 HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
@BruceForce Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
@ItsAndyRyan Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
@AbbieEvansXO “god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab