
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*