@SaraESpivey

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

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@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

@UncleDuke1969

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

@furbyburglar

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

@a_simpl_man

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

@Izianikapani

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

@daemonic3

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

@BruceForce

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

@AbbieEvansXO

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab