I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Stick it to the man
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.