@WritePlay *1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
@SaraESpivey I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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@WritePlay 
@Midgetspar After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
@zero3_benz FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
@HiddleDeeDee A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
@kelkulus The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
@noog After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
@iwearaonesie 9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
@bingowings14 I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
@TheAlexP I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*