@SaraESpivey

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

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@WritePlay

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

@Midgetspar

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

@zero3_benz

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

@HiddleDeeDee

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

@kelkulus

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

@noog

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

@iwearaonesie

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

@bingowings14

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

@TheAlexP

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*