She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab