as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
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COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
New Tinder profile.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..