The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Science memes
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!