“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
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Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
No chill.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*