Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age