Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
No. YOU-buprofen.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.