Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
rapatouille
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.