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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
fourth time’s the charm
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“The Perfect Relationship”