I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
this has done me in for some reason
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”