I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]