Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
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I falcon love using swear birds
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Whisper out to librarians!
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.