If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
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The Book. The Movie.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?