Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
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I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!