Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Air conditioning – not a fan
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.