My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
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NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie