STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
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Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Wikigenius
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.