I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
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Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.